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December 09 The Illuminati Alien Vampire Lizard People from the Lower 4th DimensionI just got ripped off!! Some Lizard dude from the lower fourth dimension (because those "holier than thou" upper fourth dimension lizard people won't have anything to do with us) sold me some ocean front property in Colorado... When I got there...no ocean... Not even a puddle. The only thing there was an abandoned gas station and a decrepit spaceship landing pad. Half the lights were burnt out. I was arguing with the buck toothed lizard man about the lack of an ocean when this other guy drove up and asked the guy where he wanted the FEMA trailers... The lizard man hissed something back and just before he poofed out of existance he said "Jussst waaiiit".
So I've been here for a month now...."Jusssstt waaiiittiiiingg". I can't seem to get the lights on the alien landing pad to work, I don't think it works on electricity. I have managed to get the gas station up and running though. However, the only customers I get are fanatical red neck survivalist who only complain about the price of gas and how its a government conspiracy to charge too much for gas. And they outright refuse to pay taxes... they showed me some wierd document that read something about "sovereign citizen status" and that they didn't have to pay taxes, they didn't owe the government anything and they had diplomatic immunity.
I had to listen to a fifteen minute diatrabe about how the government is out to get everybody and that they have a satellite in space glaring right at me....and in complete defiance he looked up and flipped the bird right at the sky. (I dunno, but if the government is powerful enough to put satellites in space that can tell what color my underwear is, maybe I don't want to flip them the bird.) These guys are all about separation from the government, "FREEMAN" status ya know....
Of course I have to still pay taxes, so I asked them where I could appy for sovereign citizen status.... hey I want to be a freeman too. Know what they told me? All I have to do is go to the Post Office and fill out this form and then I had to apply with the government...
The US government? I asked them... They just stared at me like I had two heads. then they accused me of working for the man and they left without paying for the gas. Of course their vehicle was registered, and recorded for posterity on my state of the art security camera... who needs a satellite?
So I sent the other Man after them... the one with lights on top of thier car. I could tell the nice officer was worried a little when he called in the National Guard for back-up... I told them not to worry, the government had a satellite for everybody. I asked him if he wanted to buy a FEMA trailer... He didn't think that was funny.
I have dozens in stock... great for camping... you should stop by and see my low low prices.
The National Guard guys were nice... turned out they were freinds with the Freeman guys...go fig...
They weren't however freindly with the fourth dimensional lizard dudes that showed up on my landing pad. Boy if anybody ever had bad timing its those fourth dimensional guys... I had a front row seat to an alien invasion that was almost completely thwarted by a bunch of gun toting redneck sovereign citizens and the very fine men of the Colorado National Guard.
The citizens lost however.... lack of firepower...
When the Lizard guys came into my store, which they had just about vaporized with their stupid 'made in China' death ray, they bought up all of my twinkies.... and refused to pay the tax... do you believe that? They said Illuminati don't pay taxes... they collect them.
Great! My store got blown up by Illuminati Tax collectors.... You ever get that feeling that your insurance isn't going to cover it? They did however rent a few trailers from me. They stayed for a week, kept ordering Mai Tai's.
So now I'm a bartender too. They tipped well though... Tax money I'm guessing. Sure was alot of it... could be I was overcharging them for the drinks too. Not only do those fourth dimensional guys have bad timing, they are terrible at math.. Its no wonder taxes are all messed up... who pays $1000 for a mai tai?
And we found out another use for that Chinese death ray. It digs up a swimming pool... tout de suite... Lizard guys looked at me funny...seeing as how this was ocean front property and all. But they dug me a few swimming holes anyway. And in response I introduced them to some hot sorority chicks from the Mormon college in central Utah.
Which they promptly ate. Did I mention these guys sucked blood? No? Well they do.. and its nasty. And that peace officer showed up again... not quite as freindly as last time. He didn't like the fact that I was feeding sorority girls to alien tax collectors... So i showed him the death ray... which he confiscated... and he tried to card the illuminati guys... they showed him thier soveriegn citizen cards and the cop just left without another word.
Seriously, I need to get one of those cards.
December 08 E-V-E-R-Y-B-O-D-Ythere, I hope I got everybody. Santas got nothin on me, I just went all over america in about twenty minutes.
Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Hanukkah, Kwanza, Columbus day.. whatever. Needs me some updatesHey ya'll.... do you see those Christmas decorations down the right side? Yeah those, they've been up since last Christmas.... Am i lazy or just good for nothing?
As soon as I get a new computer I'm goning to run around and update everything. Just right now the thing is to irratatingly slow and it locks up if i do anyting mor complicated than type stuff.
One of these days..... September 02 Windows messengerAlright, I finally figured this messenger thing out, and i just know my kids are going to drive me crazy on this thing. I should probably get a new phone, one with a QWERTY keyboard, the way it is now it takes me five minutes to type out a simple phrase. We'll see what happens before I shut everything off and crawl under a rock.
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